The blessing of being

Last year, one of Andre's good friends was diagnosed with advanced bone cancer. Even as he underwent surgery and juggled chemotherapy, he insisted on attending school when he could. The school arranged for his classes to be moved to the ground floor so he could get around more easily and he is determined to sit for the PSLE with his friends this year.

Just before he was diagnosed, he had come over to our home to play with Andre and so when I heard the news, it struck me pretty hard. It's difficult to believe the active, happy child (with the most gorgeous dimples) I had just seen running around like any other 11-year-old boy should suddenly be afflicted by such a nefarious disease.

Whenever I hear of such cases, I feel like I'm being doused with a bucket of reality check. It hits home especially when it's not the vague image of some unknown, hypothetical child, but is actually happening to someone you know. It's sobering and there's always the nagging question "why them, God?" Then inevitably, there will be the chilling realisation that such a misfortune can befall anyone, which will trigger the pressing, secret plea, "please not us, God."

Because it's difficult enough being the friend of someone going through such a trial, we simply cannot imagine being that parent, having to deal with such unbearable anguish. Sometimes God's design seems so random that we're tempted to try and manipulate or bargain with Him, so that our kids can bypass all the major calamities in life.

In another instance, Andre's best friend successfully overcame leukemia as a young child and looking at this strapping, boisterous boy now, you would never be able to tell he suffered from this disorder. But according to his mother, when he encounters pain in his limbs, he would still ask her with trepidation, "is it the cancer coming back?"

It's not unusual to be moved by such experiences, particularly if the kids fight their conditions with such courage and spirit, as I've witnessed. For me though, the biggest takeaway is that of perspective. Even as we parents angst over our kids' inability to ace an exam, get into the top school or enter some special programme, there are other parents who would rejoice over something as simple as their kids being able to run, to go to school, or to live to see adulthood.

I will clarify though, that I don't subscribe to the "there are always people less fortunate than you" mentality because it implies we should not aim to live beyond the lowest denominator.

Having said that, there's something to be said about appreciating what you have. When we hear of the plight of others, it's not for us to rejoice over how lucky we are in comparison, but to pause and remember how much our kids are a blessing to us. Then we'll scream less at our kids over their minor misdemeanours, annoying habits or unsatisfactory test results because in the larger scheme of things, these blips really are insignificant.

The next time we're unhappy with our kids and think "if only...", it might help us to remember that for some parents, the "if only..." is much more basic and urgent.

Go hug your kids today.

Letters

31 December 2011, New Year's Eve

Dearest Lesley-Anne

Often, I marvel at how I managed to have a daughter like you. I thank God for your selflessness, how you're always putting others ahead of you. Sometimes I worry it will allow others to take advantage of you but I have to trust that God will bless you with the accompanying wisdom to discern good from bad, and continue to guide your path.

You're mature beyond your years, thoughtful and bright, tempered with a dollop of level-headedness. I'm constantly amazed by your discipline, sensitivity, and most of all, your godliness. At the same time, your feistiness (I know I often call it pig-headedness) keeps you from being bland.

My wish for you this New Year is that you will delight in new experiences, not to be afraid to try something different, even if you risk making a fool of yourself. I know the world seems like a scary place and people can be mean, but choosing what is safe because it's familiar is no way to live your life.

I pray that you will let go of your defence mechanism, move out of your comfort zone and open up more to others. Expect more of yourself - you'll be surprised at what you can achieve. It's not about getting to know yourself better because who you are is not carved in stone. You are a work in progress and it is only by embracing life and whatever is thrown at you, that you will grow in depth as a human being.

You are an incredible young lady and I'm truly grateful to have a daughter like you.


♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Mummy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dearest Andre

Where do I begin? You are such a (big) bundle of joy. I thank God for your spontaneity, your big heart and your eagerness to please. I live for all your hugs and kisses, given with such unadulterated affection.

Sometimes I worry about your innocence, how you're so unaware of the ways of the world and how you wear your heart on your sleeve. But I know it's this quality that makes you so genuine and lovable, and it's what draws people to you. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You keep me young because you keep me laughing! Without even trying.

For 2012, I wish for you patience - something we will both need in the PSLE year. I know that for someone who's always living for the moment, it will be an incredibly difficult lesson for you - to work towards a goal that seems so far away, and a reward that beckons only with hope, not promises.

But I pray that in this process, you will learn that diligence builds character (ugh, I know, I sound like the father in Calvin & Hobbes) and that you will come to understand it's the journey, not the end result, that will enrich your life.

May your generous spirit never diminish. When people around you judge you or try to make you feel less of a person, I hope you will always be secure in the knowledge that you are a champ in every sense of the word.

You are a blessing to many and I thank God that you have been entrusted to me.


♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Mummy

Schools, national exams... and unconditional love

As academic year 2011 came to a close, we received good news: Andre managed to get 3rd in class!

For those of you who have been following my blog, you will probably understand why this is such a happy surprise for us. Academics has never been Andre's strength and this prize was all the more unexpected because we've been so busy moving house that I haven't been breathing down his throat as much for the final SA2. My friend Lilian pointed out that Andre seems to perform better when he's left to his own devices. Not sure if that's true but it certainly reduces the stress for both of us!

I'm unspeakably grateful for this prize, more so because I'm hoping it will motivate Andre to work harder next year - the dreaded PSLE year. I'm so not looking forward to it. If I could take a pill and fast forward time till after the exam, I would.

Recently, I ran into a friend, who's the father of Lesley-Anne's p6 classmate, Ryan. His younger son just finished the PSLE this year and he said it was probably the worst time in his life. Everyday leading up to the exam, the boy would bring home a thick wad of exam papers to be completed and both father and son would stare despairingly at the stack (father is expected to mark the papers - brings a sadistic twist to the phrase "partnering parents in education").

He said it was a nightmare, especially since his younger son is not half as motivated as his elder brother. In fact, he thought both Ryan and Lesley-Anne spoilt the market with their work ethic. As he was tearing his hair out, pleading with his second child, it dawned on him, "So THAT'S what PSLE preparation is really like!"

I sympathised with him and when he heard that Andre would be doing his PSLE next year, I'm sure he's sending sympathies my way.

We've all heard it before - the PSLE has become such a high stakes exam that the pressure to do well overwhelms everything else. No one can escape - the kids, the teachers, the parents. So intensive is the preparation for the PSLE that it leaves an indelible scar on everyone. I suspect part of the reason why IP schools are so popular is because we all remember vividly the horrors of the PSLE and want to avoid another national exam.

Ryan's dad told me that after the PSLE, he just had 2 goals for his son: to retain his self-esteem and love for learning. Coming from a school teacher, I appreciate the wisdom. It's so easy to lose both in our education system.

We were discussing how even some of the kids in the best schools, who are probably the top 2% of the cohort, still feel insecure about their own abilities. Eg, I've heard how kids from the Raffles schools feel inferior because they couldn't get into the Raffles Academy.

This is seriously screwed up. It seems like our education system constantly tells our kids that they're not good enough. I've said this before - some schools, particularly the branded ones, appear more interested in what the kids can do for the school, than vice versa. Consider this and ask yourself if this is what you really want for your child.

For a long time now, I've understood God's wisdom in giving me 2 kids with such contrasting abilities. If both my kids were intellectually gifted, I would never know what it's like to parent a child who can't always understand concepts immediately or remember things he'd just learnt. It's a lesson in humility - that our kids' giftedness is a blessing, not results of our own doing.

Please don't be mistaken, I know Andre is bright. But when you have another child who learns and absorbs ideas at the drop of a hat, it's easy to use that as a benchmark and forget that not everyone is the same.

I always take advice from parents with all gifted kids with a pinch of salt. I know they're well meaning but what works for gifted kids often doesn't work for regular kids. It's not just a simple case of reading more to improve their language, or teaching a certain method to improve their maths. It's a lot of repetition, a lot of simplification and a huge bucketload of patience - something I'm short of.

As Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

I don't quite agree with the everybody is a genius bit but I concur with the second sentence. Sometimes, I feel that Singapore and Singaporeans have such a narrow definition of success that anyone who can't climb a tree or climb it fast enough is made to feel stupid or inadequate.

Each child's needs are different - I can't emphasise this enough. I speak from experience (and mistakes) parenting 2 kids who are complete opposites of each other. While everyone else's kid may be aiming for the top 3 schools, yours may rejoice at getting into a tier 3 school.

What's important is not to let society or teachers or other parents bully you into thinking it's not ok. Because at the end of the day, some kids are fish. By constantly trying to teach them how to climb trees and scolding them for failing, we may be missing out on the fact that they are fantastic, natural-born swimmers.

I wonder about kids who say, "I must study hard so I don't let my parents down." I understand the sentiment but I think it smells of the implication that they are studying out of a sense of responsibility towards someone else and not because it is something valuable to be enjoyed. Are we a blessing to our kids or have we become a burden?

I don't know what I will be like next year. I keep telling myself that God has a place prepared somewhere for Andre, that I should not be overly kancheong. But I also know how easy it is to lose perspective when you're in the eye of the storm. If that happens, somebody nudge me, ok?

Even as we push our kids to achieve more, we need to show that we love them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." - Psalm 127:3

PS We will be going on our family vacation so I won't be blogging here during that time. I will, however, try to blog about my holiday at my travel blog so do check in there!

Leaping lizards!

For the record, I hate house lizards.



Well, I hate all types of lizards but the other kinds don't enter my home uninvited so they don't bother me. Some of you might say, "no big deal, I don't like them either." But you see, I REALLY hate those lizards, ie they terrify me to the point of temporary paralysis. The phobia is so bad that I can't sleep if I know there's one in my bedroom. I'm paranoid that it will crawl on the ceiling and drop on me.



At home, Kenneth is known as the Lizard Killer. There's always a bottle of Baygon (to stun them) and a rolled up newspaper close at hand. He has to be quick cos those darn geckos are trickily fast. He jokes that he should put up a chart chalk-marking the number of lizards he has demolished, as a warning to all their kin.



Don't tell me that killing lizards is a sin as they eat mosquitoes and other insects. I've seen those lizards, most of the time, they're not quick enough to catch the mozzies. Instead, they've adapted to the lazy Singaporean lifestyle by coming out at night to feast on leftover crumbs of food. In other words, totally useless. Don't count on them to eradicate dengue any time soon.



I'm not sure how this phobia came about, I suspect I was traumatised when young. I lived in an HDB flat teeming with lizards and since I slept on a mattress on the floor, I came into close contact with them. I guess it didn't help that my parents merely laughed at my fear. In fact today, I still have a long recurring nightmare that I'm precariously perched on a piece of furniture while the room is swarming with the disgusting reptile.



I'm pretty sure part of the reason for my fear is that lizards simply look grotesque. They're bug-eyed with misshapen heads, and feet that cling creepily onto anything like stubborn blue tack. They even drop body parts at will, for Pete's sake!



We've tried everything from lizard traps to old wives' tales like leaving out lavender, egg shells and pandan leaves (I think the last one is more for roaches though). We've also put gauze over the bathroom window. Don't laugh but in a very extreme measure, we've even taped up our back door (we don't use it lah, obviously) since we discovered it was a major lizard highway to our kitchen.



I'm happy to say for the most part, our home is now generally lizard-free, except for the occasional rogue one. I'm a little apprehensive about moving to a larger place on the ground floor at the end of the year. I'll have to figure out how to lizard-proof it. Meanwhile, I'm keeping the Lizard Killer close to me.

Moving to His tune

This is Lim Tong Hai, ex-captain of the Singapore national football team and current team manager of Geylang United.

You may wonder what he's doing in our living room. No, we don't know him personally and no, Andre didn't win some "Meet A Local Sports Celebrity" contest.

You see, we recently put our place up for sale and have been receiving potential buyers. Lo and behold, one afternoon, Lim Tong Hai turned up to view our home! Kenneth recognised him, being an avid soccer fan. We asked if he would mind having a photo taken with Andre, who was slightly star-struck. If LTH was put off by being in the spotlight while doing a regular activity like house-hunting, he didn't show it. He was super friendly and obliging.

Anyway, I sidetrack - that's not the focus of this post. I wanted to share the circumstances that led to us putting our home for sale because it's a terrific testimony to how God works in our lives.

A couple of months ago, a sudden death in the family threw everything out of whack. Without going into too much detail, we basically needed to find alternative living arrangements for Kenneth's mum.

We felt that moving in to a larger place with her would be too costly and disruptive for everyone, so we decided to find a two-bedroom apartment for her in our condominium estate. This way, she can be close to us and we can walk over to check on her everyday.

Thus began a one-month rigmarole. What we thought would be a straight-forward process (there are more than 1,000 units in our estate, how hard can it be to find an apartment?) became a nightmare. Every night, I would pray with the kids, "Please help us find a nice place for nai nai".

We made 4 offers, put down the 1% cheque twice, even had agents shake our hands to seal the deal, only to have the deal broken at the very last minute for various reasons - outbid twice, 1 suddenly decided not to sell, 1 went into a price war. The situation became so crazy that 2-bedroom apartments in our estate were snapped up at record prices and in record time, often within one weekend of listing.

Kenneth and I started questioning why God wasn't answering our prayers and instead, seemed to be blocking our way. We began wondering if it's because we'd been heading down the wrong path. One Saturday, Kenneth saw that a brand new 4-storey semi-detached house opposite his mum's apartment was holding an open house. We went to take a look just for fun, as we'd seen it being built over the past few months. Turns out, it's a terribly impractical house with a scary price tag, definitely not for us.

An agent approached us and asked for our requirements. Just for the heck of it, we gave our wishlist - 4+1 bedrooms, condo facilities, move-in condition, close to amenities, blah blah blah AND below $x. It sounded ridiculous even in my mind. I half expected the agent to say, "Do you think we're in Disneyland?", but to our surprise, he asked, "oh, have you considered Y? It's a couple of streets away and it meets your requirements."

Our curiosity piqued, of course we had to take a look and the agent arranged for us to view a couple of units in estate Y (I'm not disclosing the name for privacy reasons). It turns out that the layout of the units suits us to a T. There's space for everyone of us, even a bedroom with ensuite for Kenneth's mum. Both Kenneth and I could have our own offices, such luxury! There was a very nice pool and the ambience inside the estate was lovely. It was even walking distance to the MRT, which is such a great bonus since we use the trains extensively. The best part was, the price was within our budget.

We were quite taken with the place but as perpetual skeptics, we were still not entirely convinced that moving to Y was the right thing to do. We continued praying, asking God to show us what to do since we're obviously quite clueless.

That very week on Friday, Kenneth was driving me to a meeting and we decided to stop for lunch first. He turned off to this area which was unusual in itself because it's not one of our regular haunts. As he parked the car along the side of the road, I looked across the road and there, staring me in the face was the large signboard of a shop with exactly the same name and spelling as estate Y! It's uncanny because it's not a name I've seen used anywhere else and it has a very odd spelling. And then I saw that a few outlets down, there was a shop with the name "Ken Home".

The feeling was surreal. I turned to Kenneth and said, "God must think we're pretty stupid, He has to spell it out for us like that." Kenneth added, "well, I did pray for a sign..." Talk about being literal. We took photos of the two signs, to prove they're not figments of our imagination.

As if that's not enough, when Lesley-Anne came home from school that evening, she excitedly recounted a dream she had the night before. She dreamt that she was with a friend and they came to this house she'd never seen before. Her friend asked, "isn't this your home?" to which she replied, "no, I've never been here." Her friend then questioned, "if it isn't your home, why is your Benjamin Bunny sticker on the window?" True enough, it was.

To give a little backgrounder, Lesley-Anne has been the most resistant to moving. She loves our current home and has often declared that she wants to live here forever. The Benjamin Bunny sticker has been on her bedroom window since the day we moved in some 11 years ago (which explains its weathered condition). To her, the dream was a clear message from God that she could make a home elsewhere and be happy there.

After that, we were 100% sold on the idea. I mean, if the Big Guy says this is the way, who are we to argue? We contacted a few agents to view more units at estate Y that very weekend. The last unit we saw was practically perfect for us. One of the few issues we had with this estate was with the maid's room and this unit actually redid the maid's room so that it met our requirements. It had also been recently renovated so that we could move in without doing any heavy work.

We made an offer, the owner accepted it and signed the paperwork within a day. No hiccups, no last minute hitches, everything was smooth sailing.

This whole episode was such a blessing for my family and there were two main things I gained from it:

1) Gratitude: actually overwhelming gratitude. You know, as Christians, our family is probably not the best role model. We sometimes forget to pray, skip church and display ungodly behaviour like yelling at each other more often than we should. Yet, God cares enough about us to painstakingly point us in the right direction, step by step. Amazing love. We sometimes joke, wouldn't it be nice if God could plant neon signs telling us what to do each time. This came pretty close to that.

2) Reassurance: in life, we frequently have doubt, whether we're doing the right thing or making the right choices. In this situation, when we're clear that this is God's will, all doubt or fear is removed. We don't have to second guess whether we should have bought this place or whether we paid the right price for it. Obeying God can never be wrong.

I've found that God doesn't relate to everyone the same way. He speaks to each one of us in the style that best suits us individually. For example, we don't like to take ourselves too seriously and we're uncomfortable with overly pious displays of devotion so we find that God often connects with us with a generous dose of humour. The challenge is adjusting our antennae so we can receive the signal more clearly. Perhaps the solution, like in many other areas in life, is just to listen more attentively.

So, that's the story of why our apartment is for sale. Incidentally, Lim Tong Hai didn't buy it. That would have been another interesting story!

"Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it." - Luke 11:28

A library of memories

This post really came about because a friend posted this picture on her Facebook account. Doesn't it bring back tons of memories? Not too long ago, borrowing books at the library meant queuing up at the counter, slotting the book's borrowing card into your own library card and then bringing the book to the librarian for the due date to be stamped.

This was the ritual I grew up with as a faithful visitor to Marine Parade Library (not the current one, this one was at the site where a spanking new NTUC Finest now sits.) We were then only given 4 cards each, so I would often use my parents' cards to add on to my precious weekly allocation.

Lugging home my hoard, I would dive right into the selection, even at the dining table and late into the night. To say I was a bookworm would be an understatement. Since I only received books as gifts on my birthday, the library was a necessity to to feed my reading obsession. In fact, my childhood would have been miserable if I didn't have access to the library.

The selection of children's books at the library wasn't terribly inspiring but I grew up reading many of the perennial favourites by Beverly Cleary, Mary Norton, LM Montgomery and Elizabeth Enright, for example. Each time a new book was released onto the shelves, it would be snapped up eagerly. Shows you how many kids were hungry for reading material back then.

Back then, all books were bound in sturdy hard covers with glossy sleeves wrapped in plastic, unlike the paperbacks in the library these days which get dingy and torn so easily. Somehow, I feel that modern libraries have lost a part of their essence without the musty smell and rich texture of hard backs.

Nowadays, borrowing and returning books is a simple affair, all automated at self-service machines. The convenience can't be beat, I have to admit, but a perverse part of me misses the librarian stamping the due date on each book with such convincing authority. Growing up, I actually thought being a librarian must be one of the best jobs in the world because you get to read all day (besides stamping the books, of course).

As proof of how much the library was a part of my youth, I still have these in my possession:

My old library cards!! How many of you still have these? Go on, call me a hoarder. In my defence, I only hoard the really important stuff.

"I remember being in the public library and my jaw just aching as I looked around at all those books I wanted to read. There just wasn't time enough to read everything I wanted to read." - Charles Kuralt

What the GE means for me and why I want to vote Ngiam Tong Dow as President

It's GE time!! I'm sure you're as excited as I am. I feel sorry for those in the Tanjong Pagar GRC because I think more than ever, I sense that people want to have a voice in how our country is being run. This is a good thing for the obvious reason that apathy never did anyone any favours. It means there is no motivation to get things right because nobody cares if things go wrong.

The widespread awakening across the ground also signified something else - that people have been feeling unheard. The frustration resonates with me, personally, I have gotten terribly indignant over certain policies but no matter how much (or how many ordinary citizens) might rant about them, we can do absolutely nothing about it. It's like seeing a bulldozer slowly heading towards your car, but no matter how long and how loudly you yell at the driver to stop, he doesn't. All he does is tell you why your car HAS to go and why it's good for you somehow.

Like many others, I've been following the coverage online since it appears to be the more credible source of news these days. While there is lots of fiery debate, some of it is almost akin to emotional blackmail (on both sides).

So it was extremely refreshing to read this interview with Mr Ngiam Tong Dow, the ex Head of Civil Service. Even though the interview was done way back in 2003, almost a decade ago, it's uncanny how relevant it is today... and how he predicted the way we're heading. It's sensible, without the usual dreary rhetoric and dare I say, visionary.

What really blew my mind was that he managed to crystallise my thoughts about our political system - thoughts that were previously an incoherent jumble. After I'd read the interview, it all instantly clicked, "yes! of course!" If more of our civil servants had even half this guy's intelligence, ethic and guts to speak his mind, I'd say Singapore's future is bright.

He also talked about education in his interview and then, I understood that the way our education system is run, is a mini model of the way our country is run. He briefly mentioned the problem he finds with our education system:

"Each year, the PSLE creams off all the top boys and girls and dispatches them to only two schools, Raffles Institution and Raffles Girls' School. However good these schools are, the problem is you are educating your elite in only two institutions, with only two sets of mentors, and casting them in more or less the same mould."

...and its parallel in our political administrative system:

"So far, the People's Action Party's tactic is to put all the scholars into the civil service because it believes the way to retain political power forever is to have a monopoly on talent. But in my view, that's a very short term view... You have to allow some of your best and brightest to remain outside your reach and let them grow spontaneously. How do you know their leadership will not be as good as yours? But if you monopolise all the talent, there will never be an alternative leadership. And alternatives are good for Singapore."

Herein lies the problem, our leaders have become so entrenched in their dominance and ingrained in their ideology that they are unable to consider an alternative universe. No wonder some leaders have resorted to threats. When they say "Singapore will suffer", what they really mean is "PAP will suffer". The sad part is I think some of the leaders truly believe this because they have, maybe without realising it, come to equate the two. It would explain why they feel it is perfectly justified to have the entire civil service, stat boards and PA serve party interests.

And that's why my favourite sentence in Mr Ngiam's interview is this: "I think our leaders have to accept that Singapore is larger than the PAP."

At the end of the interview, Mr Ngiam gave this analogy of the Greek systems:

"Singapore is like Sparta, where the top students are taken away from their parents as children and educated... When I first read Plato's Republic, I was totally dazzled by the great logic of this organisational model where the best selects the best. But when I reached the end of the book, it dawned on me that though the starting point was meritocracy, the end result was dictatorship and elitism. In the end, that was how Sparta crumbled. Yet, Athens, a city of philosophers known for its different schools of thought, survived."

I now realise that with my vote, I'm signalling more than just my like or dislike for a particular party/candidate/policy. I'm making my view heard on how I want the country to be run, not in an abstract way, but the manner in which our education, housing, healthcare, transport, etc is approached. All of which affects us directly (on an infinitely larger scale than the short-term upgrading of my estate, which incidentally may not have as big an impact as you might think, according to this writeup).

I no longer believe that Singapore will fall without the PAP, like I was brought up to believe. I believe that our citizens are savvier, more resilient and care more about Singapore than the leading party wants us to think. Ultimately, I believe that Singapore is larger than the PAP... and the sooner the ruling party recognises this, the more respect I will have for them.

I encourage you to read Mr Ngiam's interview in full before polling day. It might give you pause to re-think what Singapore really needs to thrive. For years, the PAP has told Singaporeans that change and competition are good for us. Perhaps it's time for them to lead by example.

Birdsong

One morning, as I was at my pc, I heard a melodic chirp coming from Lesley-Anne's bedroom. As it grew more persistent, I went to check it out and saw this:

A tiny little yellow bird perched at her window! Aww... I don't call myself a true nature lover cos I don't like anything that slithers, crawls or looks remotely disgusting. But birds I love. Growing up, my mother had pet mynas who were so tame they wouldn't fly away even when let out of the cage.

So it was so uplifting to see this fluffy ball of sunshine, singing away without a care in the world. I'm not sure what type of bird it is, perhaps an oriole?

I inched closer to get a better look and it didn't seem afraid at all, even when I carefully pointed my camera at it. I managed to sit on Lesley-Anne's bed which was right next to the window, which explains how I got such close-up shots.

I sat there listening to it sing for quite a while, before I took a short video clip of it. Sure sounds like it's calling out to its friends. Living in a high rise, we don't get to interact with nature much so this was a sweet interlude.

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." - Chinese proverb

Living childhood lessons

Recently, I met up with a friend who teaches both primary and secondary school kids. We were chatting about schools and kids in general, then he said some that I thought was particularly poignant: "Kids don't have time to be kids these days. I see so few of them with joy."

This statement struck me because just a couple of days before, I read an article in The Atlantic Magazine by Christina Schwarz on how many kids have been stripped of the important phase called childhood because they spend these years preparing for adulthood.

I encourage you to read the full article - it's thoughtfully written. I especially like the sub-header: Childhood is more than merely a springboard to adulthood. In essence, the article states in our rush to cram our children's time with "valuable" skills so that they can go to a good college/get a good job/get a headstart in life, we may actually be depriving them of some of the basic skills of thinking and problem-solving that kids develop through play or just by being kids.

Schwarz claims that "We seem to have returned to the 18th-century notion that play for its own sake is a waste of time, that children can be allowed to pursue their natural inclinations only if those can be channeled into activities that will prepare them to be orderly and productive (and now, God help us, “creative”) adults — even today’s play movement stresses the uplifting “educational value” of play."

In fact, she adds that "today, apparently, kids have for so long been deprived of time and space to play that they no longer know how... toys now come fully loaded with elaborate personalities and histories created for them by their grown-up purveyors. Playtime has been replaced by lessons with professionals."

If you think about it, what she says is true. In the past, toddlers simply went to the playground. Now parents sign them up for a "gym". Instead of being allowed to observe the physical world around them, kids now go to science camps. If a child likes to doodle, the parents will consider sending him for art classes. It's as if something is only of value if it's arranged in a structured or organised environment, preferably by professionals.

My friend didn't read the article but he uncannily echoed Schwarz's views when he told me that these days, kids' lives consist of a series of instructions by adults. They're told what to do, how to do it, when to do it (and in Singapore, it's almost always academic). They've never had to look after a younger sibling, find their own way home or solve any of life's little problems. If you're thinking, so what? then get this: according to him, these are also the kids who have the biggest problems academically in his school and tuition classes. He can usually tell who are the ones who've always had things handed to them on a silver platter because they've never learned how to think independently or laterally to solve a problem. Ironically, this ineptitude translates to their school work.

Schwarz quotes Robert Paul Smith, author of Where Did You Go? Out. What Did You Do? Nothing. - "A kid needs time to lie on his back, opportunity “to find out whether he breathes differently when he’s thinking about it than when he’s just breathing” and to wonder who she’d be if her parents hadn’t gotten together. A kid needs enough downtime to be bored, yes — bored enough to stare at the sky and study the imperfections in his own eyeball."

If I were to convert this into pragmatic suggestions, it means letting kids have some unstructured play time (computer games don't count). In addition, a little responsibility doesn't hurt. My friend is an advocate of letting kids handle some chores, even if it's as simple as getting their own lunch. Through responsibility, kids learn to solve life's daily problems.

Critics may say Schwarz's view is a tad idealistic, afterall, times have changed drastically. The world we live in today is vastly different from the slow pace of life back in the 1950s quoted in the article. But if we realise that childhood has intrinsic learning value in itself, then by removing this phase of the equation and treating children as miniature adults, we're actually doing them a disservice because we're handicapping them in fundamental skills.

As Schwarz says, "childhood is not just preparation for “real life,” it’s a good portion of life itself." We all want our kids to do well in life. Perhaps then we shouldn't deprive them of such an important chunk of it.

Education and the great divide

A few days ago, the local news profiled MM Lee as saying that the main difference between students in "branded" and non-branded schools is parents' educational backgrounds. Branded schools have a much higher proportion of students with graduate parents, which according to him, provides for a more favourable learning environment for the child.

His advice to less educated parents is to bring their kids to the library early and teach them to acquire knowledge by themselves.

If only it were that simple! While I agree that the free educational resources in Singapore, like libraries, access to IT etc, are excellent, they're not enough to make up for the enormous disparity in resources and opportunities (which I feel is the real crux of the matter but not an issue MM Lee would want to address because it's an inevitable fallout of a capitalist system and has no solution).

The proliferation of tuition centres and enrichment programmes across the island demonstrates that these are no longer occasional luxuries, they are de rigueur in many families. How then, do you compare the standard between a child who has individual coaching in every subject and is groomed to answer each question to a T versus the child who has to depend solely on what he learns in school, without parents able to provide additional guidance?

You may say, well the second child just has to work harder. True, but more and more in our society where the playing field is constantly being leveled up exponentially, the odds of his ability to play catch up are quickly diminishing. I feel that's why these days, you hear less and less of national scholars with hawker or taxi driver parents. They're now largely from middle class families.

It's time for the zonal badminton school competitions once again and yesterday, I was at one of the matches to support Andre, who incidentally has been appointed co-captain of his school's junior team this year. The school they were playing against is a neighbourhood school not known for its academic standards. As I looked at the kids, I realised instantly these are not privileged kids. They wore faded PE t-shirts and school shoes. They were as hyper as hamsters on steroids and I'm guessing, not the type who would typically do well in school academically.

Those kids clearly had no external coaching and were participating in the competition for the first time. Nevertheless, they showed unbridled enthusiasm and even as they were getting trounced, they gave everything they had. Their team mates cheered with gusto every time one of their friends managed to win a point. One boy in particular, impressed me. He's pint-sized, skinny and even though his opponent was making him dance circles around the court, he ran down every single shuttlecock like Speedy Gonzales. Andre's school coach told the team, "see, I want that sort of determination!"

Andre's team eventually won the match 5 games to nil and that was a great boost of confidence to the school but amidst the celebration, I just felt for the kids at the other school. Their spirit was such a contrast to the students from those of one of the top national badminton school teams (and a branded school), which was also at the venue yesterday. Those students showed an aggressive, competitive streak. They trained up to 7 times a week, most of them had additional coaching outside of school. They played badminton purely to win.

The thought then hit me how lucky our kids are. Where we see talent, potential or interest, we can provide the opportunities for them to nurture these areas. From yesterday, I saw that many other kids are not so fortunate. Even if they have the passion for badminton, their parents may not have the time or money to help them develop their skills.

Singapore can claim to have the Junior Sports Academies and the Sports School to groom sports talent but I know for a fact that to pass the trials, you need to already have some level of proficiency in the sport and those who make the grade almost always have external coaching. Potential and interest are not enough to get you past the door, which means kids like those at the school Andre played against yesterday will never get the opportunity.

I don't believe that money can buy success but it's hard to dispute the fact that money can buy you opportunities which increase your chances for success. If there was a Lee Chong Wei or Lin Dan from a disadvantaged family in Singapore today, would we be able to discover him?

We all love to hear underdog stories but instead of merely celebrating how some guy managed to beat the odds, it's my wish that our society can help increase the odds for these folks.

Hello goodbye - New Year greetings!

Another New Year's eve, another time for reflection.

2010 was an eventful year for us and although I say this every year, time really flew by like a speeding bullet this time. Even my kids agree that 2010 was a blur.

I suspect it was this (and maybe the fact that I turned 40 in 2010) that caused me to have a mini mid-life crisis earlier this year. Suddenly, I was confronted with the fact that I had a 13-year-old who was living a busy secondary school life independently and with relish. I couldn't remember when Andre last hankered to go to the playground or when we last ordered a kid's meal. In fact, Lesley-Anne now qualifies as an adult for most entry tickets. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks - my babies are growing up and it was not something I was ready to face.

It was an emotion that had no rational basis. Most people who look back with regret are those who didn't spend enough time with their kids and wished they could turn back the clock. I, on the other hand, had enjoyed my kids to the fullest. I was home for the bulk of their lives and I was there to share in every milestone, every scraped knee, every celebration.

So what brought on this strange deluge of emotion? I think ironically, it's because I've enjoyed my time with my kids too much, so much so that I want to cling to it to make it last forever. It's akin to having a melting ice-cream cone. You try to enjoy it while it lasts but you can do nothing to prolong the pleasure. Soon it will be gone and there will just be the memory of the enjoyment.

The difference here is that you can't buy extra time with your kids, the way you can buy another ice-cream cone. It was a battle against time and as each month flew by, I could almost feel a sense of panic. From talking to other mums, I found that this was a common feeling among mothers especially when their youngest child grows up. I felt a pang when I realised that soon, we wouldn't pay child air fares for Andre or visit the children's department at stores. At times, I felt like I was giving myself an ulcer just willing the time to halt.

In one of my broody moments, I hugged Andre and told him, "Don't grow up so quickly, ok?" He looked at me anxiously and replied, "But I can't help it!' I know it's crazy to experience the empty nest syndrome when the kids haven't left yet, blame it on my obsessive over-thinking.

I have since calmed down, thanks to a supportive hubby, caring friends and possibly the daily dose of Vitamin B.

If a human life span was divided into seasons with each season spanning two decades, I would be entering Autumn. I now realise that in my constant looking back and yearning for Summer, I might just miss the beauty of the golden foliage and falling leaves. Winter will be on me before I know it. Will I then spend Winter wishing it was Autumn? Wouldn't that be a joke!

I'm writing this on New Year's eve and not New Year's Day because I think we're allowed a little reminiscing and sentimentality on the last day of the year. But once the fresh year begins, we should focus on looking forward and not looking back. If we're intent on driving in reverse, we'll miss all the scenery ahead (plus never get anywhere).

My New Year's wish for all of you is to savour these precious times with your loved ones with purpose. Life is too short to be lived on auto-pilot. May you be blessed with many, many delectable moments with your family, and have the presence of mind to enjoy every one of them.

Happy New Year!